Drake and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Drake and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

It’s been over two years since we entered the world of “Owls.” In our last adventure, the 6 God had a bout with Eminem (and, weirdly, Joe Budden). Now, we return to our hero after the release of ‘Scorpion,’ a project that’s longer than the ‘Lion King,’ and meet a the boy/man who is now ready to introduce the world to his son, thanks to Pusha T. Read parts one, two, and three of “Owls: A Drake Story.”

*Today, we find the light-skinned Keith Sweat in the OVO studios, a smile beaming across his face. His son Adonis watches him from a playpen as he paces around in front of him. 40 and PartyNextDoor sit on different couches and use there phones, hoping Drake won’t speak for a while longer.*

Drake: A toast, my good men, to the successful release of another OVO classic. Every night before I lay my head on literally the silkest pillowcase ever made, I imagine life without the broskis and immediately get depressed.
40: No problem, fam.
PND: Thanks, I guess.
Adonis: Dadadadadaaaa
Drake: That’s right. Your dada is the king of North America.
Drake: Wait, Party, what do you mean “I guess”?
PND: I mean, a successful release? That Pusha T thing wasn’t a success.
Drake: *chuckles* It wasn’t? What has Pusha T done since people stopped asking him about my kid? Go back under Kanye’s titties, probably.
PND: But Sophie, dude. Have you seen her paintings?
Drake: Oh god, never.
PND: My nigga, you should have. You might not have nut in her.

*Drake picks up Adonis*

Drake: Please, not in front of my son, man. This is why I was hiding the world from him.
40: Yo, Tiffany Haddish talked about that time you stood her up on Jada Pinkett Smith’s facebook show.
Drake: The one that’s like everyday struggle for the Oprah Winfrey Network? Man, come on. How is it standing her up if I told her I was cancelling? Let me see, jeez.

*Drake reads the article in 40s phone*

Drake: Wow, so I made her miss out on a bag, huh? Wait a second.

*Drake puts Adonis in a playpen before making a call on his phone. He clears his throat when someone picks up.*

Drake: Tiff! How are you.
Tiffany: I knew you was gonna call me. What you want?
Drake: I just wanted to see how you were doing. We still gotta reschedule that dinner date.
Tiff: Whatever. You act like you the first nigga to stand me up because he had to go take care of a son he didn’t tell anybody about.
Drake: See, haha, this is why you’re a comedian.
Tiffany: I wasn’t being funny. We can reschedule the date, but I want a dick pic.
Drake: Tiffany, I’m a father, now. That’s a poor example to set, you know?
Tiffany: I’m not gonna show the picture to your son or something. So you don’t have no meat pics sitting in your phone?
Drake: This is inappropriate really. I’m uncomfortable.
Tiffany: You don’t wanna go to dinner with me then because ima jump on your damn face.
Drake: *blushes* Okay, wow, let’s take a step back here. We can go to dinner and we’ll discuss all of that stuff. I sincerely apologize if I disrespected you or hurt your feelings.
Tiffany: *laughs heartily* Oh, goodness. Imagine my feelings being hurt by a light-skinned man. Nigga, you the comedian.
Drake: Yeah, hahaha. That’s great to hear from a fellow SNL host.
Tiffany: Yeah, we fellows alright. How about ima give you my schedule and you let me know when you get a babysitter.
Drake: Haaa, that works.
Tiffany: Alright, bye. You distracting me from getting my feet licked.
Drake: Okay, buh-bye.

*Drake hangs up and hands Adonis his phone*

Drake: I think I’m going to cancel again.
40: Yeah, she’s dating Common anyway.
Drake: Gross.
PND: You should probably settle down, fam. Getting cuffed is hot now. You saw Jay and Beyonce album.
Drake: Oh, the one where she talks about forgiving him for cheating? Yeah, that’s what the streets want.
PND: I mean, technically Push already brought the drama out in the open. Side B is a good start, but you should embrace the family part.
Drake: Not with Sophie, though.
PND: No, not her.
Drake: Hmm, I know who to call.

*Drake takes his phone back from Adonis and wipes the spit off with his OVO shirt. He makes a phone call and waits pensively.*

Drake: Yo, Fewch. What’s good, broski?
Future: Shit, nigga. Sipping muddy allat shit youknowmahwave nigga.
Drake: Ay man, I wanted to ask for advice.
Future: About bitches?
Drake: . . . Technically. About kids.
Future: I don’t know shit about kids, man.
Drake: That’s it. Teach me how to not care.
Future: Care about what?
Drake: My kid.
Future: You got a kid?
Drake: Yes. I. . . You didn’t listen to Scorpion?
Future: Nigga how imagihyou advice about kids?
Drake: Because you have kids.
Future: Oh, shit. . . Heh. . . Yeah, sometimes. Shit, nigga, I don’t know. I be sending money to em, they mamas leave me alone, shit go swimmingly. A nigga be swimming.
Drake: So basically what I’ve been doing?
Future: You be rapping about him and shit though. You dug a hole. Shoulda ignored it.
Drake: Drat.
Future: Yeah, you need to goan head raise him. Khaled do that shit, it look fun.
Drake: You know what, Khaled and Asahd do have fun.

*Drake looks at his son like he’s a puppy or something*

Drake: You’re right, man. Ima talk to you later.
Future: Don’t rush.

*Drake hangs up his phone and picks his son up. He examines him like he just took him out of the packaging*

Drake: I’m a dad, you guys.
PND: Nigga, we knew since last year.
Drake: Yeah, but this time Im for real real. Not for play play.
Drake: 40, get some beats ready, I think that’s gonna be a song.

*Drake’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he answers it without looking*

Drake: The radiant owl of the six, at your service.
Pusha T: “I’m light-skinned but I’m still a dark nigga”? Really, Aubrey?
Drake: Terrence. I can’t believe you called before paying my invoice.
Pusha T: I wanted to congratulate you on your new album. You showed so much growth. You’ve matured. I bet your holding your son right now.

*Drake hands Adonis to PartyNextDoor*

Drake: I wish, but I’m too busy embracing success. I see your recent hug with success was quite brief. What was it called? Indy 500?
Pusha T: That’s adorable. Anyway, Kanye wanted to know if you’re still sending those reference tracks over.
Drake: For “Calabasas Angels” and “Russell Simmons is Innocent”? Yeah, I’m sending them.
Pusha T: He’s not really gonna name it that. The Russell Simmon one.
Drake: Those were the file names.
Pusha T: Eughck. But in a bad way. Look, man. No hard feelings with the Adidon thing but Adidas is for GOOD Music. You should go to Under Armour or some shit.
Drake: Are you serious?
Pusha T: It’s not chess, it’s jenga.
Drake: That doesn’t even make. . . You know what, just tell me one thing: How did you find out about it?
Pusha T: Oh, your boy Abel told me everything.
Drake: Wow. Where do you even see him?
Pusha T: You could say we share common interests. We have a mutually beneficial friendship. La cosa nostra. Mi casa su casa. Medellin. Colombia. Uruguay. Oaxaca.
Drake: Yes, coke, I get it.
Pusha T: It was nice chatting with you, Adonis Sr. but I have a label to run. Valee just got asked for 37 new features and Desiigner is shooting a video in an abandoned toys r us.
Drake: Aw, man, remember when people cared about your features? They would be like “Oh, man, I wonder what this verse will be about!”
Pusha T: Go change your bastard.

*Pusha T hangs up in Drake’s ear. Drake makes an angry Amy Poehler face at the phone*

Drake: Virginia Williams!
40: I don’t think he heard you.
Drake: Please tell me what else you think, Noah. Since we’re sharing thoughts, please give me more of them.
PND: So. . . I kinda want to hear that Russell Simmons joint.
Drake: . . . No you don’t. I promise.