Pop icon Mariah Carey recently announced that she will be releasing an album sometime this year. Also, actor Jim Carrey has a new TV show or something. Like most websites, we love participating in the time-honored internet tradition of ranking things, and we’d love nothing more than to put together the official rankings of both Carey’s albums and Carrey’s movies. But time is money here so they’re just going to have to share a list. We’re sorry. We wish we could devote a ranked list to each of them but we’re tight on time right now. Something came up this week and it became a whole thing, ugh. So anyway, please enjoy this ranking of Mariah Carey’s albums and (most of) Jim Carrey’s movies.
35. Mr. Popper’s Penguins
All the LSD in the world couldn’t make this movie watchable.
34. Dumb and Dumber To
Literally the only people who wanted this movie to get made are 60-year-old bachelor uncles who own whoopie cushions.
33. Merry Christmas II You
Unlike the other Carrey’s woke antics, Carey has actually delivered real social commentary through her art. You see, the album was a “gift” you paid for because she understands, better than anyone, that the true spirit of Christmas is consumerism. You’re welcome.
32. Lemony Snicket’s a Series of Unfortunate Events
It sure was.
31. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
It sure wasn’t.
30. Me. I Am Mariah… The Elusive Chanteuse
“What the fuck you know about what I need on my mind, motherfucker? My name was on the street? When we bounce from this shit here, y’all going to go down on them corners and let the people know: Word did not get back to me. Let them know Mariah step to any motherfucker… MY NAME IS MY NAME.” — Mariah Carey
29. Fun with Dick and Jane
Yeah, we could make the obvious dick joke or we could ask where Téa Leoni’s been at lately!
28. A Christmas Carol
This movie was like watching all the cutscenes in a Christmas-themed version of Grand Theft Auto.
27. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Ron Howard, you’ve done it again!
26. Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel
LOL. “OBSESSED” IS THE BEST DISS RECORD ABOUT EMINEM EVER RECORDED. JOE BUDDEN, WHO? MACHINE GUN KELLY, WHERE?
25. The Majestic
“Touch My Body” premiered at the season premiere party of The Hills season four, meaning it was the last time we saw the Lauren Conrad and Mariah Carey crossover in the pop culture zeitgeist.
Fun fact: The initials LC and MC can also be put in alphabetical order. Yes, this is definitely correct.
23. Bruce Almighty
This is a movie about a white guy who thinks he can do a better job at being God than Morgan Freeman.
22. Earth Girls Are Easy
Oh, uh, we’ve definitely seen this one. Totally. He’s like an alien or something.
Due to the success of Pokémon, Carey briefly had the album under the working title Charmeleon. While the title would ultimately be changed, several years later her song inspired the single “All I Want For Christmas is Mew!”
20. Yes Man
Same fucking premise as Liar Liar. What are we… stupid???
Remember when Mariah Carey did a cover of Phil Collins? Mariah doesn’t. Remember 98 Degrees? Mariah doesn’t either.
18. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Gets a lot of points for forcing a generation to watch and then think about that whole Rhino scene for the rest of their lives. Disturbing shit.
17. Me, Myself & Irene
Trying to remember anything that happens in this movie and only coming up with that scene where he gets a huge boner.
Credit to Mariah for releasing the world’s first emo album. Sunny Day Real Estate owes her a debt of gratitude.
15. Man on the Moon
This movie was cool until you watch the doc about the making of it and then realize that Carrey was just using method acting as an excuse to harass the cast and crew.
14. Liar Liar
Pants on fire! Haha! Anyway the pen is blue!
13. Merry Christmas
We owe her everything for inventing Christmas.
12. Mariah Carey
The beginning. The end. The alpha AND the omega. She had the range, but life did not. The nucleus for all that is good, bad, and better than Jennifer Lopez.
11. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Minus points for the rampant transphobic humor. Plus points for talking out of his butt.
10. Batman Forever
Fuck the haters. The Schumacher era of Batman ruled! Bring on the Bat Nipples. Riddle me this: Why didn’t this movie win the Oscar for best frickin’ movie ever made?
9. Music Box
8. The Truman Show
A movie ahead of its time, The Truman Show gets points for predicting some version of the technological Big Brother hellscape we’ve found ourselves in, but it also stinks because oh my god we get it this movie resonated with you as a kid and you think about it when you tweet and stuff. Oh, and in case we don’t see ya…. Good afternoon, good evening, and be sure to hit that Subscribe button, guys.
7. The Emancipation of Mimi
Literally an album of bops. Start to finish.
6. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
This one gets points for technically being Carrey’s best movie, but loses points for basic people quoting “Meet me in Montauk” in their dating profiles for at least a decade.
5. The Cable Guy
Critically LOATHED. Audiences hated this movie when it came out because Carrey’s performance did not meet his previous cinematic standards of talking out of his own ass. But boy was everyone wrong because this film fuckin’ ruuuules. “Doth thou have a mug of ale for me and me mate? He has been pitched in battle for a fortnight, and has a king’s thirst for the frosty brew that doth might brow for doth!”
If you listen to this album without crying, you can’t be trusted. “One Sweet Day,” “Always Be My Baby.” COME ON!
3. Dumb & Dumber
There is literally not a single unfunny second in this movie.
Thanks to Mariah Carey this album contains the only known artifact of Sisqo and Prince being on the same song together. Nothing will surpass this.
1. The Mask